I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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