It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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