Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
