my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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