highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
