What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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