I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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