community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
