Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
