She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
