i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
