last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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