you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
