Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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