Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So much Jack, so little girl.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
