apparently the secret to your success is patron
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
