So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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