he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
