i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize