one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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