my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
