Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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