im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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