when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
