I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
high people should be assigned attendants
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
