I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
