You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
