I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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