his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
