There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
