just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
