A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
