You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
