I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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