I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize