wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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