I just pynch a tree in the face
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
