How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
