I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
