I accidentally burped into my bong.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
