my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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