i just sent this text using only my big toe
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
