jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
