put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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