I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
