i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
