So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
