Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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