During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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