The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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