Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize