How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
