The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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