I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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