I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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