i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
