I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
