Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
