We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
