Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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