I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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