The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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