Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize